• Twitter
  • Facebook
Category Archives:

TOP 10

Breastfeeding locations to avoid…

Three cheers for #breastfeeding week. Breastfeeding should be totally fine whenever and wherever… But here are a few locations if we’re totally honest we found it hard to breastfeed… Please share yours…

#1 At what turned out to be the bus stop for the local sightseeing bus

bad breastfeeding locations bus

#2 At the ‘family friendly’ room at a service station


#3 In front of a terrified friend- who couldn’t take his eyes off my face to the point of lunacy

terrified man

#4 On a Keeping It Touch Day – whilst having my appraisal

The Office

#5 In a field that turned out to be full of milking cows. Too weird

bad places to breastfeed_ cows

Tell us yours!


Top Ten Show and Tell from Tarquin

Oh Lord it’s Friday again. What to take into school for show and tell? Here’s some inspiration from Tarquin Smythe in Year 2 of St Timothy and St Agnes pre-prep. Thanks for sending it in Mrs Smythe

  1. Great Grandpa’s fascist memorabilia
  2. A servant
  3. A bong
  4. A mature bottle of scotch and enough cut-glass tumblers for everyone in the class
  5. A hunting knife
  6. The stag that daddy shot at the weekend
  7. A work by Picasso that strictly speaking should be on show to the public for tax reasons
  8. The Queen – she was popping in for tea anyway
  9. Tartan underpants
  10. A unicorn – they do exist, you just need to have a double-barelled name to legally own one

Editor’s note: since publishing this post there’s been a giddy whirl of controversy…check out an alternative list that some readers are saying is less elitist – ouch!

Top Ten phrases showing you should avoid this mum at all costs….part two

We’ve warned you about the lentil-clad psychopaths, now we’re urging you to avoid those toddler group mums who call their children ‘Jack Danger Smith’ so they can boast that their middle name is danger’.

Read more +

Top Ten Potty-Training Lows

  • Having to sit on the potty yourself to prove that it IS SO FUN!
  • Realising there’s no point buying a new carpet/curtains/sofa for another five years
  • Trying to dye your existing carpet/curtains/sofa a sensible shade of brown
  • Trying to pass off your newly dyed carpet/curtains/sofa as Laura Ashley’s “mirage of maroon” range.
  • Realising the consequences of the gaps in your floorboards
  • Your child having a back bottom incident in Sainsbury’s. Having to tuck your child’s trousers into their socks so you can get out of Sainsbury’s and into a public loo without them ruining their shoes
  • Having the above scenario with a daughter in a skirt
  • Realising it’s not chocolate mousse in the mixing bowl in the cupboard
  • Wondering if you are a bad parent for gagging at the sight and smell of a full potty from your beloved offspring
  • Worrying about your childcare – Using a new parents irrefutable logic, thinking that if you’re gagging, what hope does the nursery/nanny/childminder have?… Are these people desperate or twisted or both? Oh my God, there’s only one possible answer – they are so addicted to cocaine that they can no longer smell!!!

Post a comment…I’m sure you can top these….what are you potty-training lows?

Top Ten things to say to FREAK OUT a breastfeeding mother

Breastfeeding in public is a calm, relaxing experience, so add a bit of drama with the following lines…

  1. Wow, are you up to size double JJ? You qualifiy you for disability parking at Sainsbury’s
  2. It’s good to hear the depleted uranium problem in this park has cleared up
  3. Oh, is that a 3rd nipple or a bit of Weetabix?
  4. I think you’re so brave
  5. Did you hear the World Health Organisation guidelines are now to feed on demand till they are 9?
  6. Could I just borrow a bit for my cappuccino?
  7. Would you mind feeding my baby while I pop to the loo?
  8. I’ve just uploaded that to You tube, I hope you don’t mind
  9. Will you join us in an anti- prejudice breastfeeding flashmob at the Wetherspoons pub by the bus station later?
  10. Hi, I’m a Yeo Valley Milk talent scout…

Top Ten outfits for school mufti-day

Make sure your special child expresses their own unique individuality on mufti day with these great alternatives to jeans and T shirt:

  1. Tequila shot girl, complete with bandolier of shot glasses and bottle of tequila
  2. Reservoir Dogs character
  3. Tibetan national dress
  4. Army uniform
  5. The Queen
  6. Lady Gaga
  7. Bruce Forsyth
  8. A Morris Dancer
  9. Edible pants only
  10. School Uniform

Top Ten Show and Tell items for the masses

Wow! Mrs Smythe’s suggestions for Show and Tell items have really put the cat amongst the pigeons.  We’ve had an email from Mrs Smith in Bristol calling it “elitist claptrap”.   So in an attempt to promote the balanced, supportive debate we hold so dear at HH HQ, we’re publishing Mrs Smith’s alternative list here …

  1. A collection of pubic hair
  2. Mummy’s police mugshot
  3. The biggest poo you did all weekend
  4. Roadkill
  5. A bed bug
  6. Red Rum
  7. Rolex watches for sale at £10.99 no questions asked
  8. Methadone
  9. A pitbull mastiff crossbreed
  10. An illegal immigrant*

*The Helpful Humour editor would like to point out that #10 would need a CRB check before entering school premises